The 4th CIArb Mediator Symposium is coming up on 19th October in London. Past events have been extremely popular because of the combination of thoughtful opinion, a choice of 6 practical workshops and networking.

This year I will be doing two workshops which are really focused on extending skills.

The first is The Myth of Reality Testing with Charles Middleton-Smith. The arises from a number of observations: the way in which we simplify things in the pursuit of ‘tools for the toolbox’ and misconstrue the intention: increased resistance from parties to what we call reality testing and the observation that mediations are taking longer to settle and it is tempting for mediators to use what we call reality testing with some force. I realise this is a ‘holy cow’ of mediation!

The second is Improvisation Skills for Mediators with Sartaj Garewal. I have written often on the relationship of mediation to jazz, music, photography and the benefit of adopting some of the approaches that musicians and actors learn to extend their skills. I was very fortunate to learn some of these skills from a master of improvisation, the late Ken Campbell. Sartaj Garewal is a popular actor who has also worked with me on other mediation projects. Concurrently with his acting commitments, he offers coaching in presentation and performance skills.

Here are the descriptions and if you are interested in attending, you can see the full programme here and you can register online here.

The Myth of Reality Testing:

This workshop proposes that reality testing as a means of engaging the parties in a desire to settle the case is a myth and that the approaches generally practised by mediators in the name of reality testing can undermine successful outcomes. Drawing on insights from practical experience and research in the fields of behavioural science, neuroscience and psychology, we explore the relevance of mediator skill and experience, commercial, economic and political contexts and how and why the pursuit of tools for the toolbox and techniques to be deployed has reduced reality testing to something which is increasingly counter-productive.

The workshop examines the proposition through examples and discussion. Participants will have the opportunity to complete exercises to develop their personal style for exploring assumptions and effective risk assessment.

Improvisation Skills for Mediators

Prepare, prepare, prepare! Have a plan, give the parties structure and always be at the ready to think of a new plan!

The only thing a mediator can be certain of is that the mediation day will be a day of uncertainty and surprises. Not all of them welcome.

The art of improvisation is extremely useful for mediators. It is the capacity to build on whatever is presented to you to keep momentum and maintain a safe environment. Looking “where you are going” and responding in the moment is the nature of improvisation. Leaning into uncertainty, managing your responses and maintaining equilibrium or ‘deliberate calm’ helps bring a feeling of comfort to the parties. That capacity is also the mark of an experienced mediator.

This workshop is predominantly ‘hands on’ to help you improve your skills and confidence: skills you can use tomorrow.

Amanda and Sartaj will reprise active listening, reframing and rapport building skills. The workshop offers you an opportunity to recalibrate and expand your understanding and effective practice of those skills, in the moment.

There are times when you just don’t feel inspired to write. I have had a patch like that and so my blog has been a bit thin for new material.  Then I reconnected with someone I admire.

About 5 years ago I went to an evening seminar in London given by a guy name Nic Askew. I had come across a video of his on the web somewhere and really liked his unique way of making short films which brought out the real essence of a person. His style is both intense and gentle at the same time.  I can’t remember what made me decide to go – curiosity most likely since I am almost terminally curious!

Through his interviewing, camera and editing and his guitar playing, Nic brings an interesting tone to his film making. I hired him to do a video and it was very good. We lost touch but I found him again and he told me that he had moved to the States. I am really pleased to see his work is flourishing there and I want to share a couple of his recent films on two important concepts for mediators, coaches, and others. Curiosity and Non-Judgment.

The first features Seth Godin and the second David Roche. I think they are beautiful and moving films. What do you think?

Thanks Nic, for inspiring me to write again!

CURIOSITY from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

THE SECOND GLANCE from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

One of my favourite themes is the connection between art and mediation. It is the artist that works to convey so much in a short space of time or ‘canvas’ and as mediators, we work hard to achieve the same.

This came via a recommendation of someone to follow on Twitter and my curiosity to see what they were saying. Hodge Allen Jones recently held an exhibition of paintings by Jo Gilbert. This is a video of the artist ‘painting peace’. Lovely. Hope you agree.

I found this terrific interview by Katie Couric of CBS News with Ellen Galinsky on a new book about life skills for children called Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. Happily, the ability to resolve conflict is included (you will find the reference at about 32 minutes). It also echoes my own research into the skills of a mediator which place competence in the skills Galinsky talks about at the top of the list.

The book has been called “the best thing since Emotional Intelligence”. In the book, Galinsky identifies 7 life skills:

1. Focus and Self Control – pay attention and the ability to inhibit the desire to go on automatic.
2. Perspective Taking – knowing what others think, feel. Empathy is part of that but Ellen goes further to include the Theory of Mind (understanding what is going on in other people’s minds).
3. Communicating – the ability to put aside your own thoughts in order to understand the other, knowing how your words will be heard and know how to frame your own words so that you will be understood.
4. Making Connections – the ability to see the connections and the ability to make unusual connections which is the basis of creativity
5. Critical Thinking – looking for valid and accurate information – how to challenge and discern what is right and useful.
6. Taking on Challenges – resilience, risk taking, having a growth mindset, not giving up when that would be the easy thing to so.
7. Self Directed, Engaged Learning – curiosity, “I don’t know everything” mindset, I am not the expert, humility.

The things that stand out for me in making my own connections from this interview to my work as a mediator is that I notice the lack of these skills in my work and it is increasingly common with younger people. This suggests a change in the education system which may have something to do with the narrow focus of education to achieve higher levels of literacy and numeracy and the emphasis on measuring those to meet political agendas. The laudable intention seems to have had unintended consequences.

Despite all the books and courses on communicating skills, mindfulness, collaboration, my experience is that they are expressed less often in practice. Most of all, I notice how difficult it is for people to be empathetic as they struggle with their conviction about their rights or for them to be curious or to make unusual connections unless they are coached and encouraged to do so. I also agree with Galinsky when she says in the interview that it is never too late to learn these skills. They are essential skills not just for life but for dealing with the challenges that face us from the workplace to our relationships with other countries.

So to my mind whether we are mediator, lawyer, manager or employee we all need to

1. Show up and pay attention.
2. Put aside your own thoughts in order to understand the other and make a habit of seeing other perspectives.
3. Be humble and curious because whenever we start to think that we know best, or there is nothing to learn, we fail to inhibit the desire to ‘go on automatic’.
4. Practice giving praise and encouragement but not about the people themselves but rather on the approaches and strategies they use.

I think giving praise and encouragement to “grown ups’ is one of the most difficult things to do well without sounding patronising or inferring labels. Appreciation of effort and outcomes is a huge part of keeping people engaged and it requires real skill to do that.

Here’s the video.

Watch CBS News Videos Online
Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Families in Work Institute speaks to Katie Couric about her new book, “Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs.”

This article first appeared in a free magazine called Boss Bishop (Oct 09) produced in London by a commercial property agent specialising in restaurants and cafes. The magazine is designed to be something you read over coffee in one of the many cafes and restaurants around London and the content provokes thought and curiosity. It has poetry, jokes, illustrations and very short articles on interesting people and places. It is produced by a wonderful lady called Giny Spivak. In a world which is increasingly electronic, it is so good to find something in print which you want to hold because it is beautiful, and you want to read from cover to cover.

I came across the first edition and I had to hunt high and low to find this person who had conceived such a lovely magazine. Eventually I found her and told her how much I had enjoyed it. She asked me what I did and I told her. She had never heard of mediation before and this was how I described it.

Mediation is commonly associated with the legal process, yet it is a “human” process designed to resolve conflict which has become a dispute.

Far from negative, conflict is part of human nature, and it is the fuel for creativity and innovation. The feelings we have about a dispute come from personal interpretation, and a very particular way of perceiving “the experience”: our own way.

If we could accept that everyone’s beliefs and actions are in fact reasonable to them, then we are half way there. If we can go one step further and take the risk in allowing others to tell how and why they feel that way, then we might just learn something that will point us to another view. Just by listening.

It is human nature to state our position. We want our side of the story to be heard in order to feel validated. Often, that is all we need. Until something changes, there can be no resolution.

Change brings conflict and change is what resolves it. Change is inevitable and most of the time it will come about unannounced, unexpectedly. Other times, we can sense its approach, smoke signaling the end of a commitment, the arrival of an overdue finale.

We tend to ignore the signs in the hope that we are mistaken. Eventually, our disappointment overshadows the memories we had of all the good feelings we felt when we first engaged and committed to a contract or relationship. They are forgotten and replaced by new, less comfortable feelings of anger, fear and mistrust. If those feelings remain unacknowledged, eventually all becomes an unremitting cycle of complexity and confusion which we try to rationalise and in doing so we make it fit our feelings. It is simple: there is no conflict without emotion and emotions are complex.

One way to cease further pain and confusion is to hand the decision to a judge. That will be an imposed decision. In mediation, however, negotiation includes both parties telling their stories. Each party having the opportunity to be heard, to express their valid and personal view. By narrating their experience, creativity flows and anger, fear and mistrust are replaced with acceptance and willingness towards finding an agreement. Both parties need help to complete the process. All need to commit to the process.  As a mediator my job is to guide people towards agreement. The outcome is that both parties can win and sometimes the greatest prize is dignity.

I am the third party. The conduit for understanding that brings acceptance and ignites the reason to try and agree.

At its best mediation is an opportunity to be entirely human, productive and efficient through innate creativity. After all, creativity is the best of human nature