In the desire to ‘commercialise’ mediation, I feel we are at risk of cutting out the very things that make mediation work. I hear about mediators who have dispensed with the opening meeting and those who think it is always just about money. Sometimes they tell me that this is what the clients want (and which clients are they talking about, I wonder).

I heard a story recently from a very experienced mediator: On arriving at the mediation venue and greeting the barrister for one of the parties, he was presented with a precisely timed agenda right down to the moment when the settlement would be reached. Thankfully, he took no notice!

So as a reminder why people need time to tell their stories, and that mediators, parties and their lawyers need to remember why it is important, here is a wonderful and favourite poem:

Salamander from The Story of Alchemy and the Beginnings of Chemistry

A story is like water
that you heat for your bath.

It takes messages between the fire
and your skin, It lets them meet,
and it cleans you!

Very few can sit down
in the middle of the fire itself
like a salamander or Abraham.
We need intermediaries.

Jalāl ad-din Rumi (1207 – 1273)

There are times when you just don’t feel inspired to write. I have had a patch like that and so my blog has been a bit thin for new material.  Then I reconnected with someone I admire.

About 5 years ago I went to an evening seminar in London given by a guy name Nic Askew. I had come across a video of his on the web somewhere and really liked his unique way of making short films which brought out the real essence of a person. His style is both intense and gentle at the same time.  I can’t remember what made me decide to go – curiosity most likely since I am almost terminally curious!

Through his interviewing, camera and editing and his guitar playing, Nic brings an interesting tone to his film making. I hired him to do a video and it was very good. We lost touch but I found him again and he told me that he had moved to the States. I am really pleased to see his work is flourishing there and I want to share a couple of his recent films on two important concepts for mediators, coaches, and others. Curiosity and Non-Judgment.

The first features Seth Godin and the second David Roche. I think they are beautiful and moving films. What do you think?

Thanks Nic, for inspiring me to write again!

CURIOSITY from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

THE SECOND GLANCE from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

Disappearing Bust of Voltaire by Salvador Dali 1941 - may need to squint to see the ambiguity

Apparently, God did indeed bless the Irish not least with a love of ambiguity which is seen as key to future innovation, according to a recently published research on siliconrepublic.com. Hat tip to @3keyscoach for the link via Twitter this week.

Results from a sample of 117 Irish executives and entrepreneurs indicated a substantial bias towards right-brained cognition when compared with international norms.

Right-brained thinking, towards which the sample showed a preference, includes attributes such as intuition, the ability to make seemingly unrelated connections and tolerance of ambiguity. Ambiguity and the ability to hold incongruent ideas without stress is regarded as inherent to entrepreneurial activity because start-up businesses are often original, innovative ideas that require people who can think laterally and see the bigger picture.

These attributes also appeared frequently in my research into the profile of an effective mediator.

It also reminds me of a story from my very early career. I had just left university and was working in my family’s business. I was given the “deadly” job of credit control. There was a large amount outstanding from a household name and no one had been able to get to the bottom of it and so I saw this as a way to impress my father who was decidedly difficult to impress.

I did hours of research and number crunching and finally, I found where the error was. Rather pleased, I rang the accounts department of said household name company which was in Ireland. I went through the steps with the accounts lady that I had carefully prepared and which I thought would lead her to the same realization. And then they would send me a cheque.

It took about 20 minutes and at the end she said to me in a very calm and sincere tone

Is this money we owe you or money you owe us?

That was not quite the end of the conversation but very nearly. I was floored. When I told my father he simply roared with laughter and retold the story many times. So I guess I got to impress him if not in the way I had intended! I thought that I had not explained myself very well but perhaps it was the Irish love of ambiguity.

For more on entrepreneurship, innovation and creative business skills, check out the Mediation Business Summit

Photo by Darwin Bell

In the latest episode of Cafe Mediate, Tammy Lenski, Jeff Thompson and I discuss the nature of isolation in our practice of mediation and dispute resolution.

It is apparent from the laughter we share and the descriptions of “isolation” that any isolation we experience is more solitude as part of independence than loneliness.  A solitude that comes from a conscious choice for our independent practice in matters that are confidential.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. Solitude is desirable, a state of being alone where you provide yourself wonderful and sufficient company.

Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, inner searching or growth or enjoyment of some kind. Deep reading requires solitude, so does experiencing the beauty of nature. Thinking and creativity usually do too.

Solitude suggests peacefulness stemming from a state of inner richness. It is a means of enjoying the quiet and whatever it brings that is satisfying and from which we draw sustenance. It is something we cultivate. Solitude is refreshing; an opportunity to renew ourselves. In other words, it replenishes us. Psychology Today

Our work involves being with people (often large groups) who need us to be totally focused on them , very calm with lots of energy to manage long days. Solitude is a positive part of the way we work and it seems we all have strategies for making sure that the balance is right and that we have peers and close colleagues to share important conversations.

I am sure some of our speakers at the Mediation Business Summit will be addressing the nature of isolation in being an entrepreneur.

I found this terrific interview by Katie Couric of CBS News with Ellen Galinsky on a new book about life skills for children called Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. Happily, the ability to resolve conflict is included (you will find the reference at about 32 minutes). It also echoes my own research into the skills of a mediator which place competence in the skills Galinsky talks about at the top of the list.

The book has been called “the best thing since Emotional Intelligence”. In the book, Galinsky identifies 7 life skills:

1. Focus and Self Control – pay attention and the ability to inhibit the desire to go on automatic.
2. Perspective Taking – knowing what others think, feel. Empathy is part of that but Ellen goes further to include the Theory of Mind (understanding what is going on in other people’s minds).
3. Communicating – the ability to put aside your own thoughts in order to understand the other, knowing how your words will be heard and know how to frame your own words so that you will be understood.
4. Making Connections – the ability to see the connections and the ability to make unusual connections which is the basis of creativity
5. Critical Thinking – looking for valid and accurate information – how to challenge and discern what is right and useful.
6. Taking on Challenges – resilience, risk taking, having a growth mindset, not giving up when that would be the easy thing to so.
7. Self Directed, Engaged Learning – curiosity, “I don’t know everything” mindset, I am not the expert, humility.

The things that stand out for me in making my own connections from this interview to my work as a mediator is that I notice the lack of these skills in my work and it is increasingly common with younger people. This suggests a change in the education system which may have something to do with the narrow focus of education to achieve higher levels of literacy and numeracy and the emphasis on measuring those to meet political agendas. The laudable intention seems to have had unintended consequences.

Despite all the books and courses on communicating skills, mindfulness, collaboration, my experience is that they are expressed less often in practice. Most of all, I notice how difficult it is for people to be empathetic as they struggle with their conviction about their rights or for them to be curious or to make unusual connections unless they are coached and encouraged to do so. I also agree with Galinsky when she says in the interview that it is never too late to learn these skills. They are essential skills not just for life but for dealing with the challenges that face us from the workplace to our relationships with other countries.

So to my mind whether we are mediator, lawyer, manager or employee we all need to

1. Show up and pay attention.
2. Put aside your own thoughts in order to understand the other and make a habit of seeing other perspectives.
3. Be humble and curious because whenever we start to think that we know best, or there is nothing to learn, we fail to inhibit the desire to ‘go on automatic’.
4. Practice giving praise and encouragement but not about the people themselves but rather on the approaches and strategies they use.

I think giving praise and encouragement to “grown ups’ is one of the most difficult things to do well without sounding patronising or inferring labels. Appreciation of effort and outcomes is a huge part of keeping people engaged and it requires real skill to do that.

Here’s the video.

Watch CBS News Videos Online
Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Families in Work Institute speaks to Katie Couric about her new book, “Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs.”