I learned the power of a talking stick many years ago. It was one of the most important insights into good conversation I ever had. I have used one in mediations and I would like to use one more often – simply because it works every time. I know my colleague Alan Limbury in Australia will shout “here! here!” if he reads this. Alan has the most beautiful aboriginal talking stick which he takes with him everywhere. I have asked him to find me one just like it but I know they generally find their way to you, rather than the other way around! When the right one finds it’s way to me it might be made of cedar wood.

Here is a video of Dr Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) explaining why he thinks using a talking stick is amazing.

The latest in our “caffeinated conversations” Mediator Training and Preparation can be found at the following locations:

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Thanks to Diane, Tammy, Jeff and Vickie for a great conversation which could have lasted all night. I look forward to the next which will be on the gritty subject of credentials for mediators.

It takes less effort to include people than it does to exclude them – in the long run. As Deepak Chopra said in a recent article ‘I know it’s tempting to tune out difficult people, but that’s the main reason they keep being difficult.’ I know exactly what he meant.

As part of my preparation for a recent mediation, I was speaking to the claimants’ legal advisers. During that conversation we talked about who should attend and she and her colleague were adamant that I should agree to preventing someone from the defendant’s group from attending. I had an idea that there would probably something very important that that person could contribute. I was curious to find out how that person might add value and why they should not be ‘tuned out’.  It also made me aware that there was something important going on for the people who had asked me to exclude him in the first place. I discovered that the man in question had a lot of knowledge about the dispute from the beginning, in fact he was unique in that regard. We agreed that he could attend.

On the first day of the mediation and during the opening meeting, I asked the ‘excluded person’ if they had anything to add to what a considerable number of people had already said. He started to speak and as soon as he did the advisors waved frantically at me across the table saying that he shouldn’t be allowed to speak. There aren’t many times when a mediator gets to decide things but making sure everyone is heard is one of those times. The session continued with the contribution and without falling apart. One the contrary, I believe it gave others at the table a strong sense of even-handedness and inclusion and many more felt able to tell me things throughout the mediation.

During the course of the following two days, the person they wanted to exclude turned out to be a most valuable ‘knowledge bank’.  He just needed to be heard, his knowledge and expertise appreciated and given encouragement and guidance on how he could add value to the process of reaching agreement without running away with the time available.

I learned the value of what so called ‘complainers’ can bring to productivity and problem solving many years ago when I put together a project team comprised entirely of ‘complainers’ and ‘cynics’. They were, without doubt, a most effective group who achieved the implementation of a complex nationwide IT system within 12 weeks from concept to working order and at a cost which was pennies compared with similar projects that came after that one.

People were amazed at the software, impressed with the delivery timescales and astonished at the cost. They wanted to know the ‘trick’. I told them. The project team was made up of people who were known to be difficult, argumentative, critical, outspoken and knowledgeable. I told them they had been some fire-filled project meetings but that we had made time to help people express their concerns and reservations and we had used that information to improve the processes. In the end if we could generate commitment within this group doing the same nationwide would be much easier.

We all know how stressful mediations can be for the parties and their lawyers and there is always something of a dip around 4pm. Here is my “technique” for shifting the mood and most of all acknowledging that there is a dip in energy and optimism.

I carry a bunch of these amazing chocolate bars from New Zealand. The chocolate is delicious and the humour is welcome.

The instructions on the Emergency Chocolate read: For immediate relief of: chocolate cravings, lovesickness, exam pressure, mild anxiety and extreme hunger. Directions for use: Tear open wrapper, break off desired dosage and consume. Alternatively massage into the affected area. Repeat dosage as required until finished. If symptoms persist consult your local confectioner.

Marvelous for mediators too!

It has been quite a long time since I posted on my blog. There has been a very good reason for this as unfortunately I broke my right arm last summer. Until this happened to me, I really had no appreciation of the affect it would have on my life and my independence and how long it would take to recover. You can empathise with people who are suffering broken bones, arthritis and with those who are in pain. You can imagine what it might be like for them to lose their independence but it is not the same as experiencing it. It was a real opportunity for me to better understand the saying “walk a mile in another man’s moccasins”.

In restarting this blog I have taken the opportunity to renew the design and functionality and I hope you find it more attractive and easier to use.

One feature which is particularly good is the translation function. If you click the appropriate flag you will get the entire site in whichever language you choose. Not so new. However, if you find the translation is a little clumsy then please feel free to edit it! This will not change the original post but it will make sure that the translation is faithful. You need to be a “contributor” and you can register your interest in the contact form below. it is simply a matter of identifying you as a contributor in your profile. Similarly, you can post in any language and it will be translated into English automatically.