I learned the power of a talking stick many years ago. It was one of the most important insights into good conversation I ever had. I have used one in mediations and I would like to use one more often – simply because it works every time. I know my colleague Alan Limbury in Australia will shout “here! here!” if he reads this. Alan has the most beautiful aboriginal talking stick which he takes with him everywhere. I have asked him to find me one just like it but I know they generally find their way to you, rather than the other way around! When the right one finds it’s way to me it might be made of cedar wood.

Here is a video of Dr Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) explaining why he thinks using a talking stick is amazing.

I found this terrific interview by Katie Couric of CBS News with Ellen Galinsky on a new book about life skills for children called Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs. Happily, the ability to resolve conflict is included (you will find the reference at about 32 minutes). It also echoes my own research into the skills of a mediator which place competence in the skills Galinsky talks about at the top of the list.

The book has been called “the best thing since Emotional Intelligence”. In the book, Galinsky identifies 7 life skills:

1. Focus and Self Control – pay attention and the ability to inhibit the desire to go on automatic.
2. Perspective Taking – knowing what others think, feel. Empathy is part of that but Ellen goes further to include the Theory of Mind (understanding what is going on in other people’s minds).
3. Communicating – the ability to put aside your own thoughts in order to understand the other, knowing how your words will be heard and know how to frame your own words so that you will be understood.
4. Making Connections – the ability to see the connections and the ability to make unusual connections which is the basis of creativity
5. Critical Thinking – looking for valid and accurate information – how to challenge and discern what is right and useful.
6. Taking on Challenges – resilience, risk taking, having a growth mindset, not giving up when that would be the easy thing to so.
7. Self Directed, Engaged Learning – curiosity, “I don’t know everything” mindset, I am not the expert, humility.

The things that stand out for me in making my own connections from this interview to my work as a mediator is that I notice the lack of these skills in my work and it is increasingly common with younger people. This suggests a change in the education system which may have something to do with the narrow focus of education to achieve higher levels of literacy and numeracy and the emphasis on measuring those to meet political agendas. The laudable intention seems to have had unintended consequences.

Despite all the books and courses on communicating skills, mindfulness, collaboration, my experience is that they are expressed less often in practice. Most of all, I notice how difficult it is for people to be empathetic as they struggle with their conviction about their rights or for them to be curious or to make unusual connections unless they are coached and encouraged to do so. I also agree with Galinsky when she says in the interview that it is never too late to learn these skills. They are essential skills not just for life but for dealing with the challenges that face us from the workplace to our relationships with other countries.

So to my mind whether we are mediator, lawyer, manager or employee we all need to

1. Show up and pay attention.
2. Put aside your own thoughts in order to understand the other and make a habit of seeing other perspectives.
3. Be humble and curious because whenever we start to think that we know best, or there is nothing to learn, we fail to inhibit the desire to ‘go on automatic’.
4. Practice giving praise and encouragement but not about the people themselves but rather on the approaches and strategies they use.

I think giving praise and encouragement to “grown ups’ is one of the most difficult things to do well without sounding patronising or inferring labels. Appreciation of effort and outcomes is a huge part of keeping people engaged and it requires real skill to do that.

Here’s the video.

Watch CBS News Videos Online
Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Families in Work Institute speaks to Katie Couric about her new book, “Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs.”

In an ideal business world I would ban meeting rooms especially those which are in the bowels of buildings or those with no natural light.

In an ideal mediation world, I would definitely ban mediation suites with their “hearing” rooms and “retiring” rooms. I might be more enthusiastic if they were called “listening” rooms. I do know that the very last thing I want is for parties to feel “retiring”  in their own private space! As I am unlikely to reverse the trend for hearing rooms and retiring rooms for the foreseeable future, I would like to at least make a case for something more effective.

Rousseau in a walking pose in a garden

I really don’t believe that people can think creatively when they are confined to a box. I know how I do my own thinking and I find I get to where I need to be much quicker and arguably better, if I go for a walk.

When I came across a post by Craig Mod, a photographer based in Tokyo, I realised that others were having the same thoughts.  In his post about his photography adventure at moonrise at the top of a mountain in Annapurna he talks of the same and revives a glorious quote by Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I can only meditate when I am walking. When I stop, my mind ceases to think; my mind only works with my legs.

I know there is always a little “bottom wriggling in the chair” whenever the word meditate is in the same conversation as mediate, but I think we just have to get over it and accept that there is so much that each share in practice and in theory. There is some hope on that I have noticed the term “mindfulness” is increasingly used in connection with both the law and mediation. I direct you to some wonderful resources at Stephanie West Allen’s blog.

The quote says it all. I know that the best resolutions to the most difficult mediations I have done have often turned on a walk in the garden, either with one of the parties or when the parties have gone for a walk together and even when I have been for a walk on my own. One of the most satisfying mediations took place in Regent’s Park between two CEOs, one who was adamant he would not mediate because he could not spend all day in a sunless room. For some reason I countered that we didn’t have to hold the meeting in sunless rooms, there was nothing stopping us meeting in the park. He didn’t believe that I could arrange it (and to be fair neither did I!) but fortunately for me his counterpart was willing if not intrigued.

All the meetings, joint and private, were actually walks around the lake. It was the only way I could manage privacy! We started at 10am and we were eating a picnic at 12.30 with a settlement signed.

It was an unusual situation but I still advocate incorporating any elements of a garden or nature in the choice of venue for meetings that require clarity, thinking and creativity. Natural daylight is a must. A garden, park or courtyard close by is important and even pictures of landscapes, seascapes and “views” are better than some of the angry abstract art that is often found in meeting rooms.

Thanks Craig. Firstly for writing about your insight and thank you for reminding me of the Latin for this solvitur ambulando – “it is solved by walking”. Marvellous! Makes a wonderful change from argumentum ad hominem.

From The NYC-DR Listserve and Ken Cloke:

For those who are interested in impacting environmental and climate change issues, Mediators Beyond Borders (MBB) has been accepted as an Observer Organization for the United Nations COP 15 climate change conferences in Bangkok, NYC, Barcelona and Copenhagen in December.  (See MBB website to download)  We are asking mediators to come to any and all of these conferences, and to encourage delegates to include a provision supporting mediation in their final agreement.  We have drafted language that we will propose to the delegates (downloadable at website) and are seeking organizational endorsements.  We already have about 50 mediators signed up to attend, and will be co-sponsoring a seminar in Copenhagen on mediation on December 10 and 11, to which all are invited (see invite at website).   Several of our members may be interested in helping out with the UNICEF facilitation, and I will be in touch with Kerry separately.  This is a crucial event in world history, and one that touches mediators directly, so I add my voice to Maria’s encouraging everyone to get involved.

Ken

The UNICEF Facilitation referred to is covered below…

We are currently seeking climate change facilitators to lead the
facilitation team at and before UNICEF’s Children Climate
Forum – Copenhagen 2009.   If you can recommend individuals with
climate change facilitation experience or if you are interested in
facilitating our team, please let me know.

We are seeking facilitators with the following skills and experience:
– Strong experience working in multi-cultural situations;
– Excellent skills and background working with children with young people;
– Strong background in climate change; facilitating climate change
youth workshops preferred;
– Ideally trained in minimum standards for child participation
– Available 18 to 24 September and 25 November to 6 December, travel
and in-country costs covered for the November/December portion in
Copenhagen

Many thanks for your help.

Regards,

Kerry

Kerry Constabile
Specialist, Environment and Young People
Adolescent Development and Participation (ADAP)
Division of Policy and Practice
UNICEF Headquarters
3 United Nations Plaza
New York 10017, U.S.A.

Kerry Constabile LinkedIn Profile – contact

Mediators Beyond Borders

Conflictpedia Articles and resources, details of events.

I have been reading the interesting and diverse posts about the issues of training, education and ‘credentialing’ which represent the passion and commitment of my colleagues across the globe to a credible profession of mediators. I have remembered a paper I presented in October 2007 for the Quarterly Lecture at the invitation of the Chartered Institute of Arbitrators. I spoke about the mediation profession coming of age and what it might look like and I think that it may be even more relevant now with the passage of time. The full text is available here.

The introduction was a story about a child called Mediation…

Here is the story of a child called Mediation

Mediation was adopted and he was much wanted. His parents naturally dreamed that he would grow up to make a difference, be successful and happy and make lots of money. And they worried that his brightness would have to survive the rigors of the ‘real world’ and they knew they would protect him on that journey. They also worried quietly that they did not know his heritage and that he would always be an unknown quantity.

At two years old this child was showing real promise. He was very advanced for his age: chatting and full of curiosity, pulling at the hem of its mother’s skirt saying ‘notice me, notice me, I’m different!’ People were charmed but they didn’t pay too much attention.

My world shines with possibilities Photo ©Dimitris Papazimouris

At primary school, he outperformed all the other children. Occasionally the teachers made encouraging noises but most of the time they worried that this child was trying to be too different. “Mediation is doing very well but he needs to be more focused.” “Mediation needs to concentrate more and follow the class.” “He gets there in the end and frequently surprises us but we are concerned…”
Put another way, the establishment was getting rather perplexed by the fact that Mediation simply didn’t do what was expected but was performing quite brilliantly. And his generally happy and energetic demeanor was quite frankly irritating.

At 12 Mediation was quite precocious and very independent. His parents worried endlessly about bad influences and bad behaviour. They knew they would lose their influence one day but they were not quite prepared for it to be now. They hoped and prayed it was just a phase.

Sure enough Mediation came home with bad habits and some very distorted thinking. For example, he found all sorts of things interesting which had no basis in fact. He was also very adaptive; you could see him transform his way of being to suit whatever he was doing and whomever he was with. Sometimes he appeared quite inconsistent. It was hard to get a handle on his personality and some found that difficult to deal with. His older brother was so much more stable and predictable although rather less engaging and certainly less happy.

At 16 Mediation wanted to do psychology, philosophy, anthropology and physiology at A Level. Good Grief! What was he going to do with all those soft subjects? There were big arguments at home!  “What about medicine, law? Or if you must engineering?” “Get something solid behind you… You can do all that other stuff later on.” Mediation compromised. He did English instead of anthropology.

At 18 Mediation was very keen to take a course at a middle ranking university. His grades would have secured him a place at Oxford or Cambridge. His parents were horrified that he should turn down a place at Oxford. Mediation’s elder brother was doing Law at UCL. A brilliant student and destined for great things.

And here we have the crossroads. And the conflict.

This is where I think we are in defining our profession. The crossroads is about – should it look like the established professions or should it be something new. Until now we have been borrowing from established professions and principally the legal profession. There have been benefits and disadvantages to that phenomenon. Until now I don’t think it has mattered but I think it will matter more for the future  as we come to understand better what it is that makes mediation work and what makes mediators proficient.

To explore further I need to spend a little time talking about what makes a profession. Download full text to read more